My guess is that there are some people out there that are anxiously waiting to read what I have to write this morning. I don’t blame you. If I were you, I would be wondering what someone like me, that apparently has not a freaking clue as to the power of his pen or in this case type pad could be thinking let alone getting ready to post on the internets.
I think that is what I am going to write about today. In my own retarded abstractness that is my own style. Donviti style we shall call it. In typical fashion I tried my best to not arrive right on time, but yet still did. However, Geek showed up before me and had the pledge pin to prove it.
I didn’t bring any canned food and for that feel like an idiot, however at least I won’t lie and say I left it in my car. My thoughts were focused on showing up to strut my stuff not give away my meat for free.
It started off slow, but once you get a few Stella’s in me, I sing like a school girl on her first date. I was giddy for most of the night. I talked to Bill, Tommy’s beau. He has a house in France, o-la-la. I was putting out the vibe but Bill wasn’t picking up what I was laying down, so I had to move on. (Bill call me wink, wink if you need some company in your chateau this summer)
So on I went back to the bar to get another Stella’ for me and the boys. Yes boys, my female interaction was being kept to a minimum on purpose. Not on my say but apparently who I am has gotten around and people are beginning to keep their distance. People were staying an arms length away from me.
Which leads me into the real reason my mind has been reeling all night, in the shower this morning (paint that picture ladies) the drive to work and as I sit here and type wondering just how to crystallize what was practically a cathartic evening for me.
I had to approach someone that I had met at the previous DL. There was an awkwardness there that even the juvenile in me could recognize. So the balls to wall kind of guy I am said screw it and jumped in head first. A long, long conversation ensued. It was this long conversation that I think I came to fully realize the power that Del Lib has, that I have more specifically. It was an amazing feeling. It was overwhelming actually. I was being told what I was to someone. I was no longer just some moron that spews his idiocy like Hube. I was a blogger with power. I am a blogger with power. My opinions apparently mean something to someone besides me. The things I write have an impact or at least the couple of beers in me made me think so. Amazing, truly amazing. I have been asking myself all night, “is this really possible?” No way, I mean think about this, just because of my looks I have always been a person that people look and envy, but much like a beauty pageant winner I always thought that what I have to say hardly matters. My life has always been about my stunning looks. I am hardly looked upon for substance. It’s who I am and I have come to accept it. In my world it is only about looks. At least the world I thought I lived in.
I was enlightened last night. The best description I can give to the weightiness of last night was that a very special person essentially became my life preserver for 15 minutes as I hung on to her every word and listened to the impact that my words have. What else can I say I felt like I was on the water board and this person was the only person I could cling to, to stay alive.
For more clarity I went back inside and tried to explain away the conversation I just had. As I tried to prevent the person from being hit by a car, it was me that was being saved. It was me that was being brought to the surface and kept from death, kept from drowning in my own naivety. I had to go back inside to try and find out if I was being played or not. If the power of what I write has such an impact that when around me people may act differently for fear of being cast in a negative light. People fear being written about in a way that will upset the powers that be in all that is Delaware Politics.
I came face to face with Delaware politics last night. Up to 8pm last night I thought that I had been playing pocket ping pong in the boy’s bathroom with myself. I learned last night however, that I have been playing in a full contact sport known as Delaware politics. I was barely ready for that. I don’t think it was varsity level last night, but I do think there were some major leaguers and college scouts watching the game last night, keeping an eye on the action.
The person I spoke to last night, check that, the people I spoke to last night were, are very intelligent people. They have their pulse on things and were able to basically educate geek and myself to the raw, and I do mean RAW power of the blogosphere, but more specifically, Del Lib. Not petty blogs like First State with their moronic posts, with their grade school antics like turning off comments. Sure people read them but people know the personality that runs that sight. The shiftiness, the pompous air that seeps from the pages the minute you click on it is palpable and hardly tasty. If you want crappy fast food that slides off the plate and out your ass 5 minutes after you eat visit them. If you want substance that stays with you, well you are reading this and have stayed with this dumb post for the past 10 minutes or however long it has taken you to read the words I am typing write now. Celia Cohen? Who the f’ are you? With all do respect of course. The fact that the snooze journal comes here to find out what is going on say alot about who the f we are.
WE are the shit and everyone knows it. I know it now, Geek knows it and my guess is that Jason is well, WELL aware of it. Which is the genius that I will bow too the next time I see him.
So as the night went on I tried to move away from the heavy conversation and started yapping with a married woman. I didn’t know she was married and frankly didn’t give a shit. I was curious about the nose ring she had. Her husband on the other hand was more than happy to tell me after I had been conversing with her for about 5 minutes and didn’t even see that he was standing there, “I’m her husband” OK then. I introduced myself and then as I was giving my blog name he said, “I know” implying that he knew who I was.
So as I had tried to move away from the weighty crap that was enveloping my head. It fucking smacked me upside my noodle and flicked me in the ‘what’s the capital of Thailand?’ What the hell was that I asked myself? I am known? People know of me, without me introducing myself?
It was then that I didn’t like that crowd I was in. I have already compromised myself at this point. I am writing things in a way to protect the ‘beautiful people’ so I stay friends with them. So I don’t upset them. So they will buy me a beer next time I see them. And that my friend is how it begins. It is intoxicating, it is contagious. It is Delaware Politics and I assume politics in general.
I don’t like the person I could become. I don’t like the person I did become last night. I didn’t like saying that I wouldn’t “write something bad about you, I promise” That’s not who I am or at least who I don’t want to become. Maybe that is why my inbox is empty and I don’t get tips like other bloggers do.
Maybe that is the reason we get a couple of thousand hits a day, because I am who I SAY I AM, think Eminem right now
coz I am whatever you say I am
if I wasnt then why would I say I am
in the papers the news every day I am
I dunno its just the way I am
So here I sit, typing away trying to wrap my infantile mind around the scope of everything that occurred last night. The person begging me to be nice, the person telling me the impact we have, the person giving me his card and betting me a dollar I won’t email him, the person saying he knew who I was, the guy that owns a house in France, the woman over hearing me yap about the beer on the tap all the way to left, and Kennedy who I don’t really know but seemed to be hanging around close to someone’s side.
I don’t know what road this blog has taken me on. I can say this for fucking sure it is the road less traveled. I am not sure how many times you will see me in the public arena again. I don’t care if people know who I am. I don’t like jeopardizing who I am to get along and be a part of something that I have no desire to be a part of. I like being able to criticize it, be able to see it for what it’s worth in my eyes. I like being able to read the words and not know the back story. When you know the back story the story you are telling now can get muddied. The here and now no longer is what is now, but what was and it is transformed, morphed into something it is not. ‘It is what it is’, is a popular saying. It is a popular saying because people don’t want to take the time to solve that math problem. It is what it is for a reason and if people stopped crawling up each others asses and started caring about the state, the people in it and not their fucking selves we would all be better for it. But, it is what it is.
My head is still reeling and I assume that it isn’t just from the Stella. I won’t write anything bad about you I promise…but going forward I can’t make that promise my dear and in the end I think I might have been played a little. Just as I was about to drink the rest of the cool aid last night I had to put it down and walk away. I just hope I didn’t drink enough to change who I am.
I don’t know the next time I will show my face at a Drinking Liberally or any other event. My hotness will have to be kept a secret to the masses. Welcome to Delaware Politics Donviti, you are now a player.