Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a HUGE fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and
you’re even around at the holidays (hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I’ve been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you
that communication is important. I question the
suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have
much substance or necessity. Why would you make me
call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they
DO NOT want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to
fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But,
the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn
or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don’t know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

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